{At the Edge}
In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.”
So you loved me anyway? For a time I didn’t know you. My heart was in shambles, healed only through my brother's wounds. I enjoyed the undeniable community of pain, misery, and isolation. I enjoyed feeling like I was all I had. I enjoyed pursuing a version of myself that already existed. Who was I to think that God wanted me to remain that way? I was all alone. I was buried in myself. What was love? How could I do something I had no understanding of? Love? Ah, love. And here I thought I knew God because I went to church. I thought because I was in his presence I’d be okay to act out my love. I could mimic my peers, that was easy, but embracing the real thing…not so.
Have you ever been reading the bible and got slapped in the face with a message you knew was just for you? I sat alone often buried in the dark, lost in my own thoughts. I refused to acknowledge that I was lacking something until I had my moment. I opened my Bible to 1 John 4:8, “he that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.”
I wondered if he could love a castaway. Or rather how I could love someone I didn't know was around. How would I? After spending years alone, longing for love. Longing for something beyond me: I couldn’t see it happening. I was repulsed by my loneliness, but I enjoyed the idle chase. I wanted someone to share my silence with.
So you loved me anyway? After I scoffed and laughed at your people? After I ignored your call for 4 long, depressing years? After I sidelined you for the sake of friendship? You loved me anyway? Even when I didn’t know you? I didn’t believe in love at a certain point. Even my father’s love seemed foreign. Why me? I would ask myself. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why he would pay attention to me, the ghost of idleness. I was dead on the inside. I didn’t know what life meant, it had no value. Everything seemed pointless. All that mattered was that I’d be liked by my peers and not hated. My eyes were glazed over with the hope of invisibility. My heart was already in the court of love by the time I realized I had it all wrong.
I didn’t know love because I didn’t take the time to learn. My ears were closed. But ironically the thing I didn’t know introduced itself to me in the very way I desired it. Click. That’s how it happened and I idolized it until it made me break. I thought I had fallen in love but I was blinded by the idea of falling. I learned that love is a choice because if it were real in the sense that scarred me, it’d wait…right?
When I think about God and how he sent Jesus to die on my behalf, to live for my edification, to show me the way of love, I’m drawn to tears. 4 years he dealt with me and it wasn’t until I was shattered by the thing I longed for most that I realized I had been dying to meet him. Real…I needed something real. Something forever. I had to get to know Jesus. He’s the one that gave me a real chance after all.
How to Grow in Love
Learn what love is
Read 1 Corinthians chapter 13 and study the Gospels.
Get to know Jesus through the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John).
Take time to appreciate the little things around you. (household, individual life, relationships, career.)
Embrace love
Pray: this is intimate time with God. Talk to him. Listen to him. Rest in him. Wait on him. Learn to trust God to answer. Focus on love itself (God).
Live: as you get closer to God naturally your character will begin to shift. You will need to constantly evaluate how you treat others and yourself. (you do matter in this.)
Rest: Be patient. Sometimes it takes longer to grasp certain things. Understand that you aren’t perfect and neither is anyone else.
Learn to forgive: unforgiveness is one of the main killers of love. Don’t let pettiness rule your decisions. Be real, rational, and forgiving. If there’s an issue, communicate. God is a fan of communication, and so are we as people. We have to combat hatred because hatred is unforgiveness left unattended.
Repent: Not only do we need to forgive, but we also need forgiveness as well. Everything is accounted for in heaven and the longer we remain, servants to sin, we’ll never know the true value of God’s love. We need to be forgiven and we need to turn away from things that corrupt good.
Be baptized: We need to be cleaned. Love is not a dirty thing. Love is pure and incorruptible. True love that is. We have to wash away/bury our past, dirty selves in the water in Jesus' name because we live by none other than him. We have to bury our carnal nature.
Receive the gift of the Holy Ghost: Not only do we need to be baptized with water but with the spirit also. God desires to fill the void in our hearts. He wants to impart his love unto us so that we might love one another. He wants to grant us freedom from sin. He wants to change our nature to one of substance rather than emptiness. He knows the value of his gift. There is no greater love than this. There is no better knowledge than knowing God is with you and for you.
God is good,
Emmanuel D. Wallace
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